Sheldon Swifties LXV The Hofstadter Family
by regertz
Summary: Like my Immortal Beloved bits in my Buffyverse and Orphans Beloved in my Orphanverse stories, these are fragments and short bits, some longer…Just to fiddle with ideas, possibly forming longer tales later.
1. Chapter 1

Sheldon Swifties : "The Hofstadter Family…"

Summary: Like my Immortal Beloved bits in my Buffyverse stories, these are fragments and short bits, some longer…Just to fiddle with ideas, possibly forming longer tales later.

Disclaimer: All is Chuck's…

Part I…

"They're creep and they're cooky…

Mysterious and spooky…

They're all together ooky…

The Hofstadter family…

Do da da da…Neat…" Howard holds up photo of Beverly looking grim and prim.

Leonard rolling eyes…Guys …

"Do da da da…Not so sweet…" Raj holds up group photo of Leonard's siblings, looking arrogant and self-satisfied, Beverly in their midst, the most so of all…

Penny, trying to smile…Apprehensive look…

"Do da da da…Do da da da…Petit." Howard and Raj holding a photo of Leonard next to Penny.

"Hey! He's an inch taller than you!" Penny glared at Howard.

"Yeah…Thanks guys for frightening my fiancée out of her wits before our first dinner with my whole family, excepting of course Dad and clinically crazy Aunt Sylvia…" Leonard sighed.

"I'm ok…I handled Sheldon, I handled Beverly…I can do this…" Penny, affecting confidence.

"But never in concentrated, multiple forms…" Sheldon notes, from his spot...Amy beside him, basking in his presence since his long-anticipated return. "Want my opinion?"

"No!" Penny, Leonard…

"Yes, shut up, Sheldon." Amy, firmly. The others staring as Sheldon did so…

"Under the terms of the Relationship Agreement, the party left behind with inadequate notice can do things like that for a space not greater than but no less than the time involved. So for the next three months, I can order him around like a bad puppy. Right, Sheldon?"

"Yeah…" reluctantly.

"What's that?" sternly.

"Yes…Ma'am…"

"How did that get in there?" Leonard stared at Sheldon.

"I thought for sure she'd abandon me at the first train conference I took her to…But she sucked it up and clung to me for the whole three days. Love is a damned nuisance, Leonard."

"Shut up, Sheldon." Amy repeated. Sheldon sighing…

"Amy, don't let it go to your head." Bernadette, nervously. "I tell you, I've been there when Howard's been willing to do anything to make up with me or get sex…It's easy to let the power corrupt."

"May I?" Sheldon eyed Amy.

Nod.

"I hurt Amy dreadfully by going away without even offering to take her or discuss it with her, she deserves a chance to get me back a little for it. And actually she's feeling so guilty if I hadn't insisted she do it as a just punishment, I'd never have the chance to redeem myself a little."

"Only one more day, Sheldon…Please?" Amy pleaded.

"No chance these powers are transferrable?" Howard asked…Slyly…

"Oh, by all means!" Amy, eagerly. "Take this burden from my shoulders, please!"

"No, Amy!" Sheldon cried.

"Too late…" Howard grinned. "Shut up, Sheldon!"

"Piss off, you little jerk!" Amy responded.

All blinking…

"We provided for that eventuality…" Amy, proudly. Sheldon nodding and pointing to her with smile of approval.

"Ok, the thirty-second period of silence is over." Sheldon sighed. "Wasn't Amy brilliant to guess Howard would try something like that and build in a Wolowitz fail-safe to the Relationship Agreement?"

"I learned the 'piss-off' phrase from the janitor I used to have lunch with at high school and my bestie here…" Amy beamed at Penny.

"No need to be rude…" Bernadette frowned.

"Hey! There's no need for that kind of talk to my girlfriend!" Sheldon, angrily. "I mean…" he looked at the group in general… "For Bernadette, relatively speaking that's longshoremen's language. Practically…Nebraskan?" he eyed Penny who considered…

Yeah, kinda…She nodded, eyeing Bernadette who sighed guiltily.

Well, I guess I was going a bit far there…

"Guys…I'm facing a difficult sit here…" Penny pleaded. "Howard, Amy can't we just shelve this stuff till later? When I'll be feeling a need to work off my own intense humiliation?"

"Fine…" Bernadette nodded. "We'll hold off on going nuclear if they will." She eyed Sheldon and Amy.

"My God…Are you two having your first Rostenwoski-Wolowitz/Fowler-Cooper fight?" Raj eyed them. "That is so cute."

"Yeah, it's the delightful predecessor of many such to come, I'm sure. But right now, could we focus on helping my fiancée see that there's nothing at all for her to worry about?" Leonard urged.

"But…There is…" Sheldon noted. "Your family boasts a host of achievements under your mother's skillful tutelage whereas Penny is the success story of hers…Not."

"Hey…" Penny, more anxious than annoyed. "My father's a very good farmer and business guy."

"In Nebraska…" Sheldon noted. "I imagine being able to spell relatively correctly there counts as the equivalent of several college degrees anywhere else."

"Shut up, Sheldon…And I don't need any 'transfer of powers'…" Leonard frowned. "Penny, sweetheart, you have nothing to worry about…My family is…"

Well…

Penny staring as he desperately reached for words…

"Is the word you're reaching for…Intolerant?" Howard noted. "Arrogant?"

"Smug?" Raj… "Overbearing? Stifling?"

"Oh, this is fun…" Sheldon noted. "Self-righteous and demeaning?"

"Hey…" Leonard sighed.

Still, one has to admit…He broke off his musing as he caught Penny eyeing him.

It won't be…That…Bad? Her look clearly asking…

I mustn't lie to her…Ever…Leonard thought.

But, on the other hand…I haven't seen most of the guys in five years and not all of them in one place for at least ten. They could have "mellowed", right?

…..

"So there's Michael, he's the law professor guy, right? Leonard?" Penny, anxiously eyeing herself in a compact mirror. Ok, all that a full day's beauty treatment and watching every TV show with successful science and other professional women from "Orphan Black" to "Scandal" could do. And there's no doubt that while this outfit says "classy"…She eyed her bunned hair, the short black jacket and rather elegant dress, the pearls Leonard had insisted on buying her as an early wedding present…That stops now…Until after we honeymoon on the Riviera and buy a nice townhouse…Then he can go for it with my eager blessing. Just kidding, only till the kids start poppin' out…It also says…Man, did that little geek hit the sexy smokin' jackpot.

"Yeah…Michael." Sigh.

"Do I call him Michael, Mike, Mich?"

"Professor Hofstadter or, Sir, probably." He renewed sigh. "And his wife, Irene, the youngest appellate judge in New Jersey history will probably want to be addressed as Your Honor."

Oh…That is not Leonard's "It's a joke" face.

"Or maybe…Your Honoress?" Penny smiled then sighed at Leonard's glum stare.

"Not helping here, sweetheart." She noted.

"I'm sorry, Penny." He shook head. "I just hate having to face that group again, with the only saving grace that Mom sometimes comments on the others' faults if only to ensure that the misery is properly spread about."

"Great…" Penny, frozen smile.

"Sorry…This isn't fair to you." Leonard shook his head. "You know what, screw them. Those jerks made my life miserable. And you didn't…"

"Thanks for the heartfelt praise…" she eyed him.

"You know what I mean…Penny, you're smarter and finer than the whole lot put together. And if you don't wanna see them."

"Of course I wanna see them, Leonard." She frowned. "They're your family. I wanna be a part of that…And should you croak suddenly one day, I might have to be able to call on them for burial money." Wan grin.

"I'm sure you'll burn me out pretty…" he began, smiling.

"Leonard!" she suddenly trembled. "No! Don't say that! Don't ever say that!"

"Penny?! Oh…Penny…I didn't mean…"

"And they say I'm not an actress…" she beamed. "But that'll be our escape line should I need a quick dodge to some pointed question about my family, ok?"

"I dunno…There's a lot of dodging that would have to be done." He noted. "In my family, 'pointed' questions are the only ones considered worth asking."

And I really am a good actress…Faking faking distress like that.

Don't you ever die on me, my lil' poptart…She eyed him. You keep right on chuggin' along spouting geek stuff and makin' my world worth living till I die from all the stuff that my mom always said would kill me by age forty.

Only now, make that one hour or less before whatever age you die, Leonard…Please God.

"And then there's your older sister, Susan, right?" she resumed. "She does medical research,right?"

"Cure for diabetes using gibbons, yeah."

"Well, there ya go…We'll have plenty to talk about." She beamed.

"What? What?" Leonard stared.

"I starred in a killer ape movie, remember? Well, sorta a half-ape and half-girl…"

"Yeah…Yeah…" Leonard, picturing… "That oughta give you ladies some common ground."

"And your other brother, Hindelman…Hindy? Hofstadter?" she beamed. "I'll bet with a name like that he's become the fun-loving one in the family."

"If you consider a philosopher-historian trying to move for the return of the US to the British Empire to quash all that foolish democracy talk, 'fun-loving', sure." He nodded.

"Leo boy, you're supposed to be bucking me up here…" she frowned.

"Penny, you'll be fine." He sighed. "I just hate the idea of listening to them aping Mom and looking down their noses…What?" he eyed her grin.

"Aping? See. We'll get on just fine." Chuckle. Ape queen snort, arms raised.

"They're sure to be impressed by the fact I'm friends and costarred with Wil Wheaton of Star Trek."

"Hmmn…More likely, puzzled… 'Star what?'."

"What, they don't like 'Star Trek'? What kind of ultra geek type doesn't like 'Star Trek'?"

"They're very much not 'ultra-geeks'." Sigh. "And please don't mention 'Star Trek' or 'Star Wars' in front of them?"

"Why not? You love that stuff…That lovable geek stuff. Are you saying your family doesn't approve of it?"

"And you're thinking…Please, please, please, please, please…" he grinned.

"Of course not…Geekdom is what made you what you are…I owe it big time." Smile. "And I rather find Captain Prichard…"

"Picard."

"Yeah, yeah… Hot. Though not so much the Kirk one. He reminds me of another Kirk I knew. We knew." She eyed him.

"I get that."

"And Han and Luke are reasonably hot. That Jar-jar guy's a hoot."

"Jar-Jar Bings? You like Jar-Jar Bings?"

"Mesa says, the Jar man is street." She beamed. "Wil taught me that."

Uh-huh…He stared.

I see Wil Wheaton still has just a little evil left…He frowned.

"And Padme is a strong female character till she wusses…Me, I woulda kicked that Anakin's Jedi ass right out of the Sith and told the Emperor… 'Dad, you're resigning today.'"

"Dad? But…" Leonard blinked.

"They both came from Naboo, right? He arranged things so Anai and she would hook up and have kids right? His assassination plots kept failing, right? Come on, he was her real father, Leonard."

Hmmn… "You know, there has been speculation…" he nodded, pondering.

"And if that fails, I could tell them I'm a friend of Dr. Sheldon Cooper. That's sure to impress any child of Beverly Hofstadter." She grinned.

…


	2. Chapter 2

Sheldon Swifties : "The Hofstadter Family…"

Summary: Like my Immortal Beloved bits in my Buffyverse stories, these are fragments and short bits, some longer…Just to fiddle with ideas, possibly forming longer tales later.

Disclaimer: All is Chuck's…

Part II…

"Ok…" Leonard stood by Penny's door, she emerging from the car while taking his hand. "You look beautiful, don't me bervous…I mean don't be nervous." Sigh.

"I'm fine. It's good. It's just a little family get together to celebrate your niece's graduation from UCLA and some award your brother got and our engagement. Family…It's great." She looked over to the restaurant entrance.

Yep, five stars, naturally…Food you can't pronounce in tiny portions and wine it would put us in debt for life to get drunk on.

Still, if it's on Beverly…

But she's the type to have pre-ordered separate checks and prebilled our credit card for a deposit.

Our credit card…She beamed. I actually have my name on a credit card from a bank that sounds real.

And stupidly, nobly insisted on a tight limit…

Goddamn you, future Mrs. Hofstadter, you responsible spouse you. It's like I've been possessed by some deceased and penny-pinching middle-aged aunt.

Hmmn…Aunt Edna did just kick off a few months ago. And she always said Leonard was the cutest thing. Eh, but her credit status made mine look good.

"Actually…Penny. My brother Michael won the President's Distinguished Service Award for his legal work on immigration reform…And…Well…"

"What?"

He sighed. "I should've told you before. We're not really involved here. It was more I told Mother I'd like to announce our engagement and she said 'whatever, just make it quick and do it between our toasts'. Sorry. I didn't want to tell you but I figured Mother would blurt without hesitation."

"Can I be honest?" Penny sighed. "Sheldon told me Beverly complained about your trying to force us on them for your announcement? And it was nothing I didn't expect."

"Oh, Penny…" he shook head. "This isn't fair to you. Lets just go, no one's going to miss us. We're nobody to them. I've never been anything to them, except a lump blocking their view of themselves in the mirror."

"Leonard. We're going in there. And you are gonna show me off as your pretty fiancée who was won not only by your distinctive and utterly cool science patter but your incredible sexiness." Grin. "They may be successful and brilliant but the guys are guys and the girls are girls and they will get the message…Brother/nephew/cousin/uncle Leonard is the studliest of all."

"You are the kindest human being on the planet, Penelope…Thanks. I love you, Mrs. Hofstadter."

"That'll do for a start…" she nodded. "Kiss me. Lets get that lipstick smudged, Mister."

"Mrs. Hofstadter…You're trying to seduce me."

"There is no try, young Jedi." She intoned. "Pucker up, you." Pursing lips.

"The things I do to impress my family…" mock sigh, kissing her, she grabbing him.

…..

"So…Leonard…" Michael in elegant suit, carefully trimmed goatee, eyed him from his seat next to Beverly at the head of the table, Leonard and Penny, only thanks to Penny's grim insistence on firmly seating them such rather than stuffed in at the table's end, midway down. "Mother tells me your research, such as it is, is keeping you from having to call on her for assistance. That's good to hear.'

"Yeah, thanks Michael, and congrats yet another time." Leonard, calmly.

"It's quite derivative work but whatever keeps him busy." Beverly noted… "And speaking of that, how are you? Ummn…" she eyed Penny.

"Goddamn it, Mother." Leonard, tensely. "You know her name is Penelope."

"There's no need to get upset Leonard. Your friend knows I mean no disrespect."

"Fiancee, Beverly." Penny cut in firmly. "And I'm sure my feelings are no different than yours."

"Yes, well, at least you got that out of the way quickly." Beverly noted. "Susan, getting back to the reasons for our being here…" she turned to her daughter, who gave a slightly regal look back. "Congratulations on your quite adequate paper in 'Science' coming out next month."

"Here, here…" several Hofstadters, including Michael.

"Excuse me, but it's not out of the way…" Leonard glared, rising. "I have an announcement to make…"

"Leonard, there's no need to restate the obvious." Beverly shrugged. "You've decided to formalize your relationship with your waitress cum sex partner and that's your business but of no real interest. Caroline, your commencement address was quite moving even if you failed to stress several key points concerning the future of neuropsychiatry that I had pointed out to you earlier."

"Sorry, Aunt Beverly…" Caroline, a tall brunette in glasses, though surprisingly attractive even in her conservative dress, Penny had to admit.

"No need." Beverly shrugged. "Merely pointing it out to you and suggesting you might care to consult my notes more thoroughly before the next such occasion."

"Yes, Aunt Beverly."

"Leonard, sit down…You're starting to look more than mildly ridiculous…"

"Penelope has consented to be my wife and she's hotter than anything you two jerks…" Leonard eyed the frowning Michael and Hindelman in their respective seats… "Or any of you guys…Ever scored." he glared down the row of balding Hofstadter uncles and thinning cousins. "No offense to the ladies…And I just wanted to say how proud I am of her." He sat down.

Penny, slight grin…Sidelong glance.

"Are you done with your latest emotional outburst, Leonard?" Beverly coolly.

"Probably not." He eyed her. "But don't let me interrupt your attempts to belittle me in particular and all of us in general."

"Fine. But since you did bring it up and out into the open in the most unnecessary of public scenes…I should say that Penelope is probably as good a choice as you could be expected to make."

"Really?" he stared.

Really…That's so nice…Penny beamed…

For her, I mean.

"She's obviously quite healthy despite the usual poor lifestyle choices in a woman of her socio-economic status and upbringing…I'm sure she'll prove capable of breeding healthy children and your intellect, while not of the highest caliber, does reflect some carrying-on of my and your father's genes which should produce reasonably intelligent offspring."

She likes me…She really, really likes me…Penny, happily.

"And so, to come the only point in all this, I'm willing to take on the burden of seeing to their proper care and education once they're past the uninteresting phase of early infancy…." Beverly noted…Pulling out a document from her purse and pushing it to Hindelman… "Pass that on to your brother, please. You'll see it's quite thorough regarding the said care and upbringing, Leonard. Just sign on the last page and have Penelope sign if she can."

"What?" Leonard blinked, eyeing the document in front of him.

"It also includes a release allowing for certain forms of experimentation and authorization for me to send them to boarding school in Switzerland when they're no longer of interest to me."

"What…?" Leonard stared at her.

"Yes, you've said that. Penelope? I gather by your silence that you have some appreciation for what this could mean for the future of yourself and your offspring. No doubt you'll much prefer to be liberated from the mundane chores of…"

"Lady…" Penny rose, reddening. "Are you insane?! You want me to sign over my children to you? Leonard?!"

"Mother, have you lost your mind?" he stared.

"Oh, come now, Leonard." Beverly shook her head. "Neither one of you is fit to raise my genetic grandchildren. And Penny no doubt would wish the freedom to pursue what she insists on amusingly calling her acting career…Clearly this is the best logical…" she gasped as the wine from Penny's glass struck her.

"Do you have any idea how much that wine cost, you ignorant bovine?!" she stared at the furious Penny.

"Leonard…" Penny looked at him.

"Just a moment…" he put up a hand. "Mother…" he eyed her, grim tone. "Thanks for making this easy and for reminding me how sorry I should feel for Dad, even if he had his own share of arrogance and so on…Penny and I came here to make our announcement, share our joy…" he passed the document to Penny…Who tore it to shreds. "And to tell you all how sorry I am all I can offer her is this arrogant collection of pretentious jerks too cowardly to say what you all want to say to Mother to her face. Mother…" he looked up the table to her as she dabbed her suit with napkin. "My friend Amy Farrah Fowler's grandmother, your old adviser, Margaret Fowler-Horowitz was right to try to bring you up on charges of child abuse. You were a terrible mother and you really hurt us. But thank God I escaped, still able to feel something and find love. I've tried not to hate you and I'll keep trying but… 'Care' for my children? You mean experiment on them and hurt them the way you hurt us? Mother, you won't get within five feet of any children we have, if we ever see you again. Goodbye."

"Ditto." Penny nodded, grinning. "Congrats on the degree and the award and all. Bye."

"Leonard!" Susan rose… "Wait!"

"Susan!" Beverly fumed, rage in her face now.

"Leonard's absolutely right… You were a monster, Mother." Susan glared. "I remember the shocks and constant lectures and the blows to my self-esteem. I still can't love my children the way I want to because of you, you awful…Why do you think none of us ever bring our children to see you? We don't dare. Leonard, that's why she wanted to get hold of yours. We hide ours from her. I only came tonight hoping to see you alone later and because I had to secretly borrow money for David's business years ago from Mother and Father and it was the only way to keep her from telling him. Penny…" she sighed. "I'm so glad you've come into my brother's life, I know you're going to make Lenny happy. He was the only good thing in my life before I escaped that house of hell and met my husband. I'm ashamed to say I didn't have the courage to say what he did and save my brothers by getting them away from her when Dr. Fowler asked me to testify against her."

"Susan! That woman's name is never to be mentioned in my presence!" Beverly raged.

"Oh, go to hell you icy bitch!" Susan cried. "Leonard, please let me come with you. I want to get to know Penny and to know you again, my sweet little brother. You remember when I sang to you at night, it was the one good moment in my day."

"I remember, Susie." He nodded, tearing.

"You come right along with us, Sue." Penny urged. "We'll go home and make dinner and forget all about this."

"Susan! Leonard!" Beverly glared. "Susan, if you go with your brother now…"

"I've paid you back every cent with interest and I haven't tried to file charges against you. That's all I owe you, Dr. Hofstadter. Caroline!" she turned to the niece who was too stunned to do more than stare. "Don't listen to this woman, she's destroy your soul the way she did these two…" she eyed the blinking Michael and Hindelman… "…and almost did mine, though never your sweet uncle Lenny's…" beam at Leonard.

"Mother, I do remember a moment when things were different…" Susan eyed her. "When I was very young and you were frightened and confused but tried, wanted to, love us. I don't know why or what made you decide to take the path you did but I'll not follow it and my children won't. Goodbye." She turned to Leonard whom Penny was hugging gently as he watched his sister. "Lets go, Lenny. Penny, I have so many stories to tell you about this sweet guy." She beamed.

"Aunt Susan, Uncle Leonard! Wait for me!" Caroline called, getting up…

"Caroline?!" Beverly, hands spreading in pleading gesture. "You are my future…I saw myself in you."

"I can't be that, Auntie." Caroline sighed, pausing. "I don't want to be that. I thought there was a point, that it made us better…Stronger. But there's no point to this, denying everything that's really worth having…Guys! Wait up!" she called, hurrying after the departing Susan, and Leonard and Penny, still hugging each other.

"This is what comes of allowing women to have the vote and a progressive education…" Hindelman sighed. Michael looking after the group departing.

Wow…Amy, leaning back to Sheldon at their hidden table to the far right, concealed by artificial plants and shrubbery.

"Well…I wasn't expecting it to be quite that abrupt, really." Sheldon noted, keeping carefully back as Beverly stared round the restaurant in bewildered shock from her seat…Not even noticing in her shock as Michael rose and headed out. "But you saw…?"

"Boy, did I…" she gasped. "My grandmother was righter than she knew…"

"Amy, I won't deny I was a bit seduced by her intellect but I never ignored the effect she'd had on poor Leonard. And I swear, darling…" he eyed her steadily. "I won't be that way. To you or the children. I swear, Amy…On Meemaw's soul."

"I believe you, Sheldon." She smiled. "And in you."


End file.
